In my final post in this series, I want to share a few things I learned in general about parenting through this. I am by no means an expert, but the principles I learned in ABA helped me in general with some parenting skills. The one main principle I took away is this:
There is a payoff.
It’s a truth of human nature that we are motivated by reward. Not everyone is motivated by the same kinds of rewards, but we are all motivated by something. This is true with our children as well, in both their positive and their negative behaviors. If we can identify the payoff and associate it with the desired behavior, we will make motivation an ally in our efforts. I think it’s very reasonable to expect that children must be seated while they eat, must not be excused from the table until they have cleared their place, must ask before helping themselves into someone’s pantry for food, and so on.
“What is the payoff?” is a question I am always asking myself as I navigate parenting. The answer to this question varies from child to child and from season to season. What motivates Annabelle at seven will very likely not be the same thing that motivates her at 12. I consider it my job to find what motivates her and continue associating desired behaviors and character traits with those payoffs. That might sound manipulative at first, but what it really teaches them is that they have the power to make choices that lead them closer to their desired outcomes – or not. If you want to eat dinner, you must sit down at the table; otherwise, no dinner. If you want to make good grades, you have to attend class and study; otherwise, poor grades. If you want to keep your job, you must show up on time and perform well; otherwise, no job. If you want your marriage to be strong…well, you get the picture.
If we are always intervening for our children and never allow them to experience the painful consequences of their poor choices within the safe confines of the home, it sets them up for world of disappointment when they finally leave the nest. Their experience will have told them that no matter what choices they make, everything will just work out. What a delusion! But that is what we are teaching our children when we never let them fail. We drive their homework to school when they forget so they can still get an A. We finish up the science project for them until 3 am. We let them take a “sick day” because they are not quite prepared enough for that quiz. Of course we should be supportive and loving, but we cannot continually shield our children from negative consequences. That doesn’t actually protect them. It teaches them that their choices don’t have true consequences; and nothing could be further from the truth.
Note: For more on this topic you might want to read Boundaries With Kids by Drs. Townsend and Cloud.
Awesome advice! Some things we know as parents, but just can’t explain. Sometimes as a parent, I feel all my thoughts become mush and question if what I thought to be true really is. I knew this truth, but I see it so much more clearly now. I will remember this as I continue to guide my daughter through life.
Hi Kerri:
We are responsible for the children that the Lord has blessed us with.
Our children are an inheritance from the Lord and the fruit that comes out of our womb is “blessed”.
We should be looking at what God says in his Word about raising our children-(they are created by God), so who would know more about what they need to function in this world more than their Creator.
If I purchase a coffee maker-I am going to read the manufacturer’s insturctions about it’s “purpose” and how it operates.
If I don’t follow the manufactuer’s instructions, my product may not “fulfill” the purpose it was created for.
I’m not gonna go look at my vacume cleaner’s instruction book.
But that is what the church does.
They were made by God, yet so many people run to the world (instead of the Lord) to to get insturctions on how to raise their kids.
WHY?
Some of God’s instuctions from his word (concerning your subject about instucting our children and giving them the freedom to make the right choice of obediance or disobedieance:
COL 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is wellpleasing unto the Lord.
COL 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discourage.
PR 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
PR 3:11 My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:
PR 3:12 For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
HEB 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.
We are accountable for our children, to train them and teach them in the ways of the Lord.
Then when they grow up and God instructs, warns, or directs them-(it may save their life ) and they will have a much better and abundant life by obeying God.
Well, all you parents, go look into the Word of God (if you really love your children) and “understand” what The Father says about raising your children.
He is so full of wisdom, and he is so much wiser than the wisdom of the world!!
Take a look at what happened to the people who didin’t obey God and those who did.
There is alot of wisdom throughout the Bible that we can apply to our life.
The Old Testament gives us examples of obediance and disobediance.
The New Testament, & Probverbs is full of the wisdom and the instructions of God on how to raise our children.
Why not start off teaching our children by applying the Word of God and being led by the Holy Spirit in our life.
The best way to train up our children to obey God, is to be an example to them (behind closed doors-in our homes).
We should be the same in public and in secret.
If we aren’t modeling that example to our children, then they can see our “hypocrosy” and become “confused” (as to why they have to obey God -when they don’t see us live like we are telling them too).
We are the closest thing to what “The Father” looks like to our children.
It is time for us as parents to get serious and “do” what we tell our children to “do”.
Even though my own children are now adults in their 30′s Ed and I can always grow (as parents with you) to become more like Jesus to our grown children in this coming New Year!
I wish you all a Merry Merry Christmas with Christ!
Merry Christmas Eve to all and to all a God night!!
So all of you parents please grasp hold of what Kerri is saying, because these truths are backed by scriptures, and I agree with the wisdom of God in her for all of us!!!