”You move me,
You give me courage I didn’t know I had.
You move me,
I can’t go with You and stay where I am
And so You move me…”
You Move Me, by Susan Ashton
Lesson #3: You can’t enter the Promised Land AND stay in Egypt. Keep moving.
If there is anything that makes you want to give up on ministry altogether, it’s being betrayed. In fact, many people DO pull out of ministry for that very reason! Low-end estimates say that 50% of all clergy leave the ministry in the first five years. High-end estimates raise that rate to 85%. One of the most common reasons given for the attrition was conflict — the breeding ground for betrayal. (“Keeping Your Pastor: An emerging challenge.” Kristin Stewart. Oakland City University.)
What can we do to move on so that we don’t become part of that statistic? Here are some tips:
1. Don’t breathe life into the situation by talking about it. We all need to “talk it out” with a trusted friend in order to process it, but then we have to let it go. Our words have the power of life and death. (Proverbs 18:21) When we over-talk a situation, either to other people or just in our heads, it’s like trying to resuscitate a corpse. Know when to walk away and let it die.
2. NEVER draw lines in the sand and force people to take sides. It’s tempting to do this simply because we want to know who we can trust. However, this is a no-win tactic. Forcing people to choose sides closes the door on relationships that could possibly be restored over time. What might give you a temporary sense of security in the moment,will result in longer-lasting grief in the years to come.
3. However, once someone has proven themselves untrustworthy, distance yourself. You have the right and responsibility to set boundaries and to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships for the sake of your own health. That means screening their calls, muting them on Twitter, hiding their news feed on Facebook, and politely declining social requests. You have to free yourself from the drama before you can move on!
4. Actively make new friends — and remember that they don’t HAVE to be in your church. In fact, I think it’s good to have some friends that are not part of your church! It keeps you in touch with the world outside your four walls and gives you a space where all the relational lines aren’t crossed.
5. Lies have a life span, but truth endures. The truth will outlast any lies that are being told about you. It hurts to be lied about, but if you can just keep going you will outlast those lies, and the fruit of your life will vindicate you.
6. Guard your heart. My life verse is Proverbs 4:23, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” (NLT) The older I get, the more I believe this to be true. A pastor friend of ours once said, “All the enemy has to do to take you out of the game is to mess you up relationally.” Friends, we must be vigilant over our hearts. When we are betrayed, we begin to harden our hearts to protect them from being hurt again. You know what I’m talking about:
- We isolate ourselves.
- We make excuses to come to church as late as possible and leave as early as possible.
- Rather than being happy to meet newcomers, we “assess for threat,” perceiving people as possible enemies rather than potential friends.
Sisters, if you see yourself in any of the bullet points listed above, it’s time to go to prayer and the word and ask God to heal you, speak life to you, and restore you. Don’t let the enemy take you out by messing you up!
7. Finally, give yourself time. It’s normal, and healthy, to back off for a couple of weeks and regroup. Lay low, turn off the phone and computer. Spend extra time seeking God and hearing from Him. You may even want to set aside a few days to fast. It’s OK to retreat for a while. If you keep barreling forward without paying attention to the signals your heart is sending you, then you will cross the line into burn out. Stop and take a breather early in the game so that you can finish strong.
I hope this little series has encouraged you. As I wrote each post and read your comments I realized that I could say a lot more… but a girl’s gotta to move on, right? 
Love,
Kerri
I personally want to just park right here….
Lies have a life span, but truth endures. The truth will outlast any lies that are being told about you. It hurts to be lied about, but if you can just keep going you will outlast those lies, and the fruit of your life will vindicate you.
Can I sit here all day and rest? Thank you – if you do not another think all day long -please know that you have blessed this one woman with these three sentences.
Thank you, Kerri this has been an amazing series. I wish someone had shared this with me 17 years ago. I have managed to make my way through this, but there have been times when I breathed life into a dead situation causing more pain. Thank you for your courage to share such a needed topic.
Thank you so much for posting this series! I found it through a link Christine Caine provided on her twitter. It has been such a blessing in my life and so timely! God bless you!
I am not married to a Pastor, but these guidelines are a great resource for all of us. Too many times we work too hard for the wrong things and worry too much about those things that really don’t matter. Thanks again.
Great list! I really liked the quote, “All the enemy has to do to take you out of the game is to mess you up relationally.” How true that is! Relationships are powerful forces in our lives, either to push us towards the greatness God has in His heart for us or to distract us and cripple us from dreaming.
I also liked your wisdom about cutting off people who have proven to be untrustworthy. It has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned in ministry. I have learned 2 things, though- Not to give in to temptation to slander those who have slandered me. And to hold strong to my confidence that cutting them off is the right thing to do, even when others don’t understand.
Thanks for writing this! It
Oops! Accidentally hit the submit button. What I was going to finish saying was that I found you through Christine Caine’s tweet. You have a great blog!
Thank you so much for this blog. I, too, am a pastor’s wife and know and live the struggles. I have begun guarding my heart too much and I especially like the idea of making new friends. That has been my slavation: just to move away from the situations that give me stress and start over.
Kerri,
I have been married to a pastor for over 42 years and grew up in a pastor’s home. I am also an associate pastor. So, I think I have earned my Ph.D. in the field of “Betrayal”.
As you have so very eloquently written, it is a process to move beyond each episode…for if you stay in this position there will be more than one episode of betrayal.
Knowing that you are called to this position as a pastor’s wife- just as surely as your husband was called to be a pastor- will help you move forward. Grieve—appropriately–then keep fulfilling the purpose you are called to do.
Even Jesus experienced betrayal within his “inner circle”. I imagine he experienced grief when those who knew Him the most betrayed him, denied Him and scattered.
May we have the grace, wisdom and strength to rise above the hurt we experience when people we love and have invested part of ourself with then turn and walk away.
We are called to make a difference. Even if it means we are vulnerable.
So much that I could say, but I will wait to read your next installment. It is awesome that so many can learn thru this medium. And that an “elephant in the room” is identified!
Norma
Great, great, great, Kerri! You are a wise woman. Thank you for sharing with the rest of us!
Yes, Melissa, you absolutely can sit right there and rest. Xx
Kerri-
This series has been very valuable and relatable. I thank you for your time and your honest and Word based teachings and encouragement. God bless you, your family and your “baby”
our church that is. 
I know the things taught in this series will be valuable for years to come. I wonder if you have every thought of being an author… I know I would read.
Thank you Kerri~
Appreciate your words!
@ Norma– great insight. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you (again) for this series, Kerri!! You hit me right in my “goodie locker” and I so needed the soothing balm of your words as well as the encouragement (or maybe I should say, “kick in the petootie”) to keep on truckin’!!
Although I am not a pastor’s wife, I do teach high school at a Christian School and would love to borrow these tips to use in a class lesson if you wouldn’t mind (because we all know how some teenagers can dwell on the bad and extend situations that are best left to be forgotten). This is the first time I have visited your blog (followed a friend’s posting on facebook) and after reading this posting I plan on going back and catching up on some of your prior entries. If you have any problems with me working a lesson plan around your thoughts, or if you have any other insight you think I might be able to use, please let me know (I never use anything like this without getting the author’s permission first!)
@Kristi absolutely u can use the material– glad u feel it can help. U used ti work at a Christian school and the dynamics are the same.
@Kristi terrible typing! I meant to say, “used to teach at a Christian school…”
Kerri,
I found you writing really inspiring. I supose we each deal with the “B” word differently. I personally have an excedingly hard time giving up on a relationship of any kind. Somewhere inside me,or maybe it’s on the outside, there seems to be a big dump and run sign. I have been a “there has to be good” in everybody person all my 53 years.Only recently have I learned that that’s not true.Still, even knowing I can’t seem to stop looking.
I just keep telling myself that no mtter how much pain or deciet I endure, it’s nothing compared to what Jesus went through. That being said, I feel guilty if I don’t answer the phone or say no to a friend or family member. I have learnned instead to offer less than they expect or ask for. Most of the time they just say nevermind and I get by without the guilt trip. I’m not sure where that leaves me in God’s eyes. Maybe you can offer some insight.
Thanks,
Barbie
Thank you so much Kerri! I feel like I’m late in the game, but I just sat down to read all four of the blog posts on Betrayal. You have spoken to the heart of pastor’s wives probably about the toughest part of being a pastor’s wife. At least for me, betrayal has been the toughest part. I found myself hardening my heart after one such betrayal last year. I’m so glad that while betrayal comes from a very small minority, I was allowed to remember the vast majority of those who have surrounded us in our endeavour to pastor a church. It is so true that the vast majority of those around you are people who have caught the vision, they are loyal, they love you, and will be there for a long time if not forever. When the B word happens, the hurt is so deep that we tend to believe that no one cares like we do. That’s just not the truth. Thank you for sharing this Kerri, it’s so very valuable!
Barbara,
Kerri’s point about creating boundaries is one that you may want to take to heart. If you continue to leave those boundaries unguarded, you will simply be living life only half-way. There may be no commitment to a friendship and no chance for pain, but there’s also no real joy in it. I pray that you turn the phone off and give yourself time with God for healing. When you are healed, you can have healthy relationships again.
I’m the wife of the founding & sr pastor of our church and I have to say thanks so much for this series! I’m new to blogging, twitter, social media in general and have loved reading your stuff & feeling like there’s others out there in the world that know the language of my heart! I wish we lived closer so I could take you out to coffee:)
Blessings to you~
It’s like you sat down, listened to my heart, and answered with godly wisdom. I’m going to figure out how to print this out and keep it in my Bible. I hope I won’t every have to use it again, but it’s still a good reminder. It’s been almost a year since my experience, but I still live near those who betrayed me. Every time I see them I am taken back to those feelings. Your advice is so very good! Wise, practical, biblical & timely. Thank you so much!
Thanks to everyone for stopping by to comment. So many different perspectives and insights.
@Barbara, I would agree with Suzette (who is also a pretty awesome PW here in Jax
), but I will take it one step further and say make sure you are PRO-active and not RE-active in setting your boundaries. In other words, spend some time thinking about and establishing your personal boundaries in these relationships BEFORE the situation arises. If you wait until the situation arises you will not be emotionally or mentally able to enforce them. Write your boundaries down, and also your reasons for choosing those boundaries. Then be prepared for push-back. When you set boundaries with people who are used to having access to you and your resources, they WILL get angry and hurt. They will try to push you and manipulate you into giving in. It is your job to show them their new reality by standing firm. Hold out long enough — they will get it. Hope this helps.
Pastor Kerri,
I loved your messages on betrayal. Great insights. Great words.
Thanks for sharing them.
Thanks,
Carolyn Solomon
Kerri~ Amazing valuable words! I was just able to finish reading the series and was so humbled and blessed by it! These are things that I have been experiencing and really didn’t know what to do! So glad you were able to be so transparent!!!
See you at Shine!!
Kerri -
Thank you for this post. This is where I am. All 3 bullets in point 6 – yeah, that’s me. I am doing all of these things. I think I need some time to step away look at things from a different perspective and really, just give it all to the Lord.
Glad God let me to this blog. Blessings to you!
Sooo true… Betrayal happens. if you are in ministry long… you will go through some sort of betrayal… its what you do with the pain that determines longevity in ministry! thank you for the reminders ..Love it! good stuff
)