“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thess. 5:11 (NIV)
“How can I encourage my husband?” It’s one of the most frequent questions I get from women who desire to strengthen their marriages. When I hear that question, it gives me a clue that I am talking to a woman who is on the right track, because she has clued in to one of the best tools there is for building a strong marriage: encouragement.
“To encourage” means “to add courage to.” When we encourage someone, we add strength to them so that they can face the challenges that are coming against them, whether those challenges be internal or external. Every day when we walk out of our doors and into the world, we are faced with challenges that seek to chip away at our courage. We sometimes need others to come alongside and fill in the gaps in our armor after a season of trial has brought discouragement (taken courage away.)
Wives, you are strategically positioned to be a source of courage to your husband in a way that no one else can. One of the best ways you can do this is by being vocal about the things you love about him and the things he is doing well. I call this “specific praise.”
I learned a long time ago that when Stovall asks me how I thought his sermon was, “It was fine/good” is not an adequate response. In fact, I have come to refer to this kind of feedback as “small praise.” Sometimes it can be worse than saying nothing at all, indicating that I wasn’t really listening or that I don’t really care. So every week I really listen to his message and take notes on things I thought were exceptionally good. It might have been an illustration he used, a transition in his message, that the joke he told was funny, the way he explained a difficult passage of scripture. And when he asks how his message was I am prepared with specific, positive feedback –and he is encouraged.
Now you might be saying, “Kerri, my job is to be honest with my husband. If I am not honest with him, who will be?” I would agree with that, but I would also add that you can be honest about positive things. There is a time for constructive feedback, but it is not when your husband is at a vulnerable moment. The time for that is when he is strong. There are a lot of strengths that I bring to the table when it comes to our marriage, but I consider the role of encourager to be to most crucial one of all.
Awesome!! Wow! Very well said, something I definitly needed to be reminded of. THANK YOU!!
I loved this Kerri! I find that looking for the pearls in my marriage and being an encourager has helped me make it for 32 years with the same husband!
WOW! Great post! My husband actually preached on this yesterday. He told the husbands that what they needed to remember that their wives want their attention, so “Pay attention to your wife.” He told the wives that they need to remember that in order to build their husband’s maculinity they needed to encourage him, so “Encourage your husband.” One of my favorite things that he said in his sermon was, “Marriage is a conversation that lasts until one spouse passes away.” Communication is key! He also pointed out that love is not a feeling, it is a verb. So when you “feel” like you don’t love yoru spouse any more, then you should “LOVE” them (take action). He shared a story of a young man in his early 20s coming to him for marital counseling. This man complained about his wife and shared with my husband everything that his wife wasn’t doing anything right. My husband asked the man, “So you are saying that your wife is your enemy?” The man replied, “Yes!” My husband replied, “So she is out to get you?” “Yes!”, replied the man. “Well what did Jesus say that we should do to our enemies?”, asked my husband. The man responded, “love them and pray for them.” My husband looked at the man and said, “Yes! Then go home and love and pray for your wife.” Such a powerful message!
Wow!!! sometimes,, I feel like you are reading my thoughts… This past weekend, my goals was to encourage my husband. thanks for gave me confirmation..
Thank you Kerri! This was awesome!! I realize that we both throw a little “small praise” towards the other and i can see now that we are both left unsatisfied and wanting a deeper appreciation from one another! Now I know what I have to do today! =) Excuse me while I tell my husband what an amazing man he is…
To add to your definition of “encourage” a bit, the root of the word “Coeur” means HEART. So when we encourage, we “give heart to”… Whenever I ask my Hubby what I can do to help him, especially during difficult seasons of ministry, he simply says, “Love me.” Doesn’t sound like much, but I know it is. The little things like having his coffee waiting in the mornings and greeting him with a kiss in the evenings when he comes in. Those are the things that he carries with him. It’s not much, but it “gives heart” to his day. Thanks for sharing this, Kerri. So loving your blog posts lately!!
I love how everyone is adding their layers of wisdom to this post!
My hubs is the exec pastor and often has to do the dirty work. I don’t want my man to think just anyone can do the dirty work. I want him to know that he is so privileged that he gets to ’cause that is God’s special calling on his life!
This is so true! My husband just told me the other week….the only person who he really cares about what they think of him is ME! Now that was a mouthful! I was so moved by that. It definitely is going to have even more of an impact on how I encourage him even after 25 years! I am his cheerleader and will always be!