Recently in a Q & A panel for pastor wives I was asked this question: How do you go about training and requiring things of associate pastors’ wives?
My answer to this question is really different now, 13 years in, than it would have been during the first few years of our church plant. Back then I would have said “All hands on deck at everything!” Early on you are desperate for leaders and it is crucial that every person on your team puts in a full effort just to make weekend services happen. We started with a team of only seven people– that included wives! There was an unspoken understanding that we were all expected to put forth maximum effort to help the church succeed. I was very blessed that the wives in our launch team got that and fully stepped into it.
As time went on we needed to hire more staff and we found that there were some wives who simply did not have a desire or capacity to be in ministry at any level. They felt that keeping their families functioning smoothly was their best contribution to the church. In my opinion, it’s not my place– or the church’s place — to force any requirements on pastors’ wives. I trust that they know what’s best for their families. They know what resources are available to them for helping with the house and kids. They know what God is placing on their heart to do or not do. At the end of the day, you hire one person, not two. And you cannot force someone into a role and expect any kind of sustainable results.
In an ideal world every associate pastor’s wife would be at a minimum:
• Consistent in her own personal devotion
• Serving on the weekends in one area
• Attending church on a regular basis
• Fully committed to the vision and values of the church
• Growing in meaningful relationships in the church outside of the weekend services
• Faithful in giving financially
• Participating in some way in outreach annually
What I have just described is a picture of a fully-devoted follower of Christ and a fully-integrated member of our church, Celebration Church. This is simply what a mature Christian looks like, and this is what I expect our pastors’ wives to be like…mature believers and fully-integrated members. If they choose to step out over and above that—and the majority do, then awesome!
As a leader, I have to remember that they are not supposed to be doing everything that I am doing. That’s my calling, not theirs. Make sure that you are not trying to place requirements on your pastors’ wives simply because you feel overwhelmed and under supported. As a leader, the best you can do is lead from a place of passion and strength, make room for the pastors’ wives to participate at their comfort level, and inspire them through your own life and attitude to increase their capacity.
I love this post! My husband and I are youth/young adult pastors and oh how I long to be involved in every aspect of the ministry. With the birth of our first baby 9 month ago, I can no longer contribute at the same level that I have in the past, and I have honestly spent much time feeling sad, guilty, and even resentful. Before the baby, I worked full time at the church alongside my husband and spent on average 3-4 nights a week ministering in some capacity with him. Everything in my life has greatly changed (obviously), and I am still trying to find my new “groove” or “rhythm” of life, family, and ministry so to speak. Thank you for your insight and wisdom in this area. It’s so great to learn from women who have “been there and done that” and are now on the other side!
P.S. Loved your book! It has been a great source of encouragement to me!
Thanks Kerri, This was right on time for me and some doubt that has been running through my mind of the “expectations” out there.
Wow!!! What a beautiful example of God’s grace and the different seasons of growth and maturity. Thanks so much Kerri for speaking up for the most unrecognized profession today, motherhood. I loved your clear and concise description of a true believer and how being married to a man in the ministry and being called can be two separate areas. This definition is greatly needed since many people unknowingly assume it to be the same. I miss you more than mere words can ever express and I am so honored to watch you blossom into the amazing woman of God you are called to be.
Much Love, Grace and Peace from Southern Italy,
Irisha Johnson :~)
Amy — i was in your situation when Stovall was the young adult pastor at our church in Baton Rouge. It killed me not to be able to be apart of everything because I also felt called to ministry. I did end up finding a happy medium, and I trust you will too. Glad you enjoyed Cluelss!
Erika — great to see you here! glad tha post blessed you.
Irisha _ I miss you so much and think about you all the time! Thank you for your encouraging words. Love you and miss you! xx
Thank you for this inspirational post. I can remember being on the associate pastor’s wives end of the coin. Many churches did expect a two for one deal, without any regard to your personal calling or family obligations. Now that my husband and I have planted a church, I know understand the flip side of the coin. But I do say that I have learned a thing or two about having ‘expectations’ of other wives or congregation members. I still have so much to learn as we are still in the ‘all hands on deck’ stage and it can be rather challenging. I find myself struggling with learning how to balance my family and church because there are so many ‘needs’ that require attention and not enough people (volunteers) to fill the gap, sometimes I get exhausted from giving so much all the time. I have so much passion to reach the lost in my city and it can be frustrating when we don’t see growth the way we would want to, especially since we put forth 150% effort. I look forward to learning more from you. Did I forget to mention that I am a mother of 3 young children as well, so my time to serve is limited to when my kids are in school. Any words of wisdom that you can give? Danielle Grehn- Miami, FL
This was perfect loved it….my husband just went on a tour of Asbury Seminary in Orlando and is start his masters of divinity asap. We just had a conversation two hours ago about my role and what I would need to “do” as a pastor’s wife etc. This really helped me out.. Thank you so much I have a 2 year old son and one do in June and I just do not see me having too much involvement besides support for quite a few years but then again his school will be around 2-3 years anyway. Thanks again going to check out your book clueless asap